Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Curse of Control

I have gone through life living the way I thought  I was supposed to. Realistically, rationally, and cautiously.  I did everything by the book: went to school everyday, got good grades, studied hard, did a major that was the most realistic, went to church, bible studies, worked part time, and played sports.  I was always a over achiever, striving to be perfect, and lost in the mist of who I truly was.  I was obsessed with perfection, mostly about beauty and appearance but all in all I struggled with the fact I could not control certain things.  What I want is not always what is best for me. I have learned that the hard way.  I want to binge on ice cream but what I need is to take a deep breathe and get my mind off of food.  I want to eat my roommates food that is unhealthy but tastes sooo good but I know it is wrong.  Some times I feel like i can not control it, but i know that all my actions are controllable.  Think about it this way you do not always want to brush your teeth late at night when you are in bed and tired but you know that in the long run it is best to do so.  Or for me its my workouts, most mornings I do not want to get up 3 hours earlier to run but I always do because I know that it is good for me.  Being in control is such a dangerous and yet powerful thing that has lead me to many success's like finishing my marathon and failures like not eating when I was anorexic.  It is important to let go of the control aspect and put it into something like your faith or meditation.  I know it is easier said then done, I am still struggling with it myself but knowing what you have to do is the first big step in the right direction.

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